Why Its Not OK to Treat Your Partner Like a Child

Why It's Not OK to Treat Your Partner Like a Child Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems Print Why Treating Your Partner Like a Child Can Destroy Your Relationship By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20 years. Shes the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial policy Sheri Stritof Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD on January 29, 2020 facebook twitter linkedin Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.   Learn about our Medical Review Board Carly Snyder, MD on January 29, 2020 Hybrid Images/Cultura/Getty Images More in Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems LGBTQ Violence and Abuse It doesnt make any difference if your partner doesnt get up on time, has horrible taste in clothes, forgets appointments or to take pills, loses the car keys, or never picks things up. If you parent your partner, you are actually showing him or her a lack of acceptance and a lack of respect. Putting yourself in a parental role and putting your partner in a child role is demeaning to your mate and actually counterproductive. Your partner will eventually resent you for taking on this controlling role, and it will almost certainly severely damage your marital relationship. If this becomes a battleground in your relationship, seek counseling as a couple. If you have an immature or irresponsible husband, you may need to say this to yourself often: I am his wife, not his mother. If you have an immature or irresponsible wife, you may need to say this to yourself often: I am her husband, not her father. Signs of Parenting Behaviors in a Romantic Relationship You might not realize how these things feel to your partner, but these are all behaviors that are appropriate in your interactions with your kids, not your mate. While you might get in the habit of doing some of these things if you have children, its important to remember the difference in your relationship with them and your mate. Some of these behaviors are more obvious or egregious than others, but they all show a lack of respect for your partner as an adult and your equality in the relationship. You pick out what clothes you think your partner should wear.Your conversation style with your mate is baby talk or a mothering or parental tone of voice.You think nothing of putting food on your partners plate, cutting your partners meat, or pestering your spouse to eat all the vegetables on his or her plate.Waking your partner up in the morning.When traveling, you pack your partners suitcase.You style your mates hair.You are the official reminder person in your family, whether it is to take medications, finish a chore, or be on time somewhere.You believe one of your roles is to correct your partners behavior.You often cater to his or her every need.You are overprotective.You make appointments with doctors for your mate.You buy your partners clothes.You fill out medical or legal forms for your mate.You pick up after your partner.You keep track of your partners belongings like eyeglasses, car keys, or wallet. How to Stop Parenting Your Partner The first thing you need to do is realize that showing concern and caring for your partner is normal and expected. It is when you cross that line into the parenting role that normal nurturing stops and parenting begins.   Have a talk with your partner about things that are an issue, such as your partner not picking up after himself.Be mindful of your actions and stop treating your mate like a child.Dont correct or criticize how your partner takes out the trash or completes other tasks around the house.Let your partner make mistakes and have to face the consequences of being forgetful or making a wrong decision.Create a calendar for your family but be clear that keeping it current is everyones responsibility.Refrain from talking in a parental tone with your partner.Accept that your mate really does not like being treated like a kid. A Word From Verywell If you still cant stop parenting your partner, it could be that there is dysfunction in your relationship that might benefit from couples counseling or therapy. If treating your partner like a child is impacting your relationship in a negative way and you cant seem to stop, this could be an option to consider.